All about Asobi Seksu
Thursday is everything
waow
oml busdriver - sun shower eeeeeeeee

2/25/26: as the days go by, they get harder and harder to endure
everything feels like a chore
eating is a chore
self esteem is non existant
showers seem dreadful
there is no rest
there is no light
theres a vast, bleak emptiness
days feel like weeks
weeks feel like months
months feel like years
when your parents are unsupportive and your friends parents are, or when your friends are everything you wish you could be, their bodies are what you wish you had, their education is what you wish you had, their parents are what you wish you had. there comes a break in character, there comes a change in ones self. everything annoys me, everything frusterates me, my friends grow distant as does my will
and to add the icing on the cake, im in love with my best friend, she doesnt feel the same, shes everything I wish I was. taller, on hrt, creative, good at drawing, skinny. starving myself does nothing, working out and dieting does nothing. how long must i endure this quality of life.
sometimes people break
im hurting

I wish to be desired by someone, someone to look at me like no one else exists
i have never felt something like the feeling of another persons touch

Im genuinely believing something is wrong with me, nothing feels as good as it used to. Im suffering and drowning. weed doesnt help anymore so I stopped, my dental problems stack, I cant afford to move out so then, I can start hrt, college isnt going anywhere. my parents think im still fine and everything is normal. I stay nights at my best friends house, without her knowing I love her.I wish I was her, moved out, skinny, massive "endowment", breasts, beautiful facial structure, soft and hairless skin, cute bangs and soft dual toned hair, adorable buck teeth, creative, good at drawing, independant, on hrt. She's made me feel so important, we will take showers together and she would tell me to turn around and close my eyes, and she would wash my hair. Ive come to love having my hair washed. Feeling her fingers claw around and onto my scalp, gentle, but firmly pressing down to the parts where my hair comes out. She does it with care, and empathy for me, she cares about me, but she doesnt have feelings for me. The way I could sometimes feel her hand move fast when she sees the soap is slowly going towards my eyes, her attempt of trying to keep my eyes pain free, showing she cares that much to keep my comfort. Thats something I would never trade for anything, shes the world to me. And I love her. Another time is when we were on the couch and I was watching her play games and listening to her nerd out about her favorite parts of the game and what makes it her favorite game, I fell asleep, and suddenly, with a gentle hand she caresses my head and kisses my cheek and tells me "hey cmon, lets go to bed" until this moment, I have never truly felt like anyone had ever cared for me, ever. Im fragile, and very emotional, so this meant a lot to me. And with her soft voice, those words, and her actions, I felt complete, could you blame me? Anytime Im around her, Im happy and content. I just wish she felt the same. The kind gestures she does is kind, she makes me dinner sometimes, funny to be around, the sex is good, us kissing and making out for hours never gets tiring. I just wish, she felt the same. And yet, I get anxious when I see her text me, I see her notification and my heart kind of drops to my stomach. Id do anything to move out. All I need is my computer, good wifi, and hrt. The rest I could care less for, needless to say, I do not have an attachment to material things. Only people, unfortunately. People leave you, objects stay for as long as you want them. I made a friend Julia, she found a girl, she doesnt talk to me anymore. I made a friend Cynthia a long while ago in 2022, she found someone and doesnt talk to me. All of my highschool friends dont like me because I'm trans. Being subjected to hateful speech, harrassment in high school classes, and losing a lot, if not, all friends from high school. I dont talk to any of my classmates in college, Im afraid of what they will think about me or my voice. I hate my body, I hate my body hair, everytime I shave I end up cutting my skin all over. Id rather die

Back in 2022, 6/11/22 near 10 am to be exact, my parents found out I was transgender, by me leaving out my girl clothes by accident, my mother came to wake me up, and she went into my bathroom and saw an open box just sitting there with a skirt in it. Her asking me whos it was, sternly, then with my silence, finding out it is mine. She told my dad, all of us sat at the dining table for hours, most of it silent. They took my phone, went through it. I went for a walk. And I kept walking. I didnt come back for a long while. My mom came and picked me up from the family dollar store thats about 8 miles away from home. I was overheated, and nauseous. When I got back home, I was told to sit in the middle of the living room. Until I went to bed, they wouldnt let me close my door. I remember that night being the worst night of my life, I was embarassed, scared, insecure, I dont know the words to describe how I felt. Alienated. Since it was summer I didnt have school, this meant my parents wanted me to sit in the middle of the living room again, so my mother can have an eye on me at all times while she worked from home. I sat in that room everyday, all day, for months. I didnt feel human anymore. I felt like I was watching a foreign film without subtitles. This was eating me alive inside. My job at whataburger 2 times a week became intolerable, I couldn't focus on anything, I even had summer school, I barely passed that. Nothing seemed like it mattered anymore. To this day, I still dont know how to come to terms with what I went through. Theres not a single day that goes by that I don't think about that day and time. Everything during that time felt to move so slow, life was painful, and still is. If anyone cares enough to read through this, and wants to talk to me, I would be so thankful to have a friend, my discord is 0ngp

i am human and i need to be loved, just like everybody else does